Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
