I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
