she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
