He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
