look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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