I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
