i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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