census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
