I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
