I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
