that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
