dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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