Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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