legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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