Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Girls should come with a carfax report
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
