Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
