I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
