were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
