I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
