Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
