i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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