my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
