I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
