Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
