You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
