I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
