I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
