I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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