Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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