shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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