Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
