dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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