i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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