$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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