Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
