I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
