I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
