Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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