i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
