thus making me awesome and them whores
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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