i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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