Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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