I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
