I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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