remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's blow job season.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
