I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
