found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
