i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
