Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
