Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
