I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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