**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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